Can I just say? This PV is cursed. I don't know how many times the browser I was using, and the brain I was trying to use, crashed while I was coming up with this PVS. It's just...some external force was not interested in letting me complete the write up this time.
To be honest, I don't entirely blame that external force. I mean...
Not much to look at, is it?
Which PV is so cursed? Why, the 34th Arashian Promotional Video, Crazy Moon Blah Blah Blah. Also known as "The PV that Almost Killed PVS after 25 Prior Showings."
Part of the reason that Crazy Moon Blah Blah Blah was such a bear to deal with is the fact that, all in all, there isn't a lot to say about this particular PV. For example, whoever directed this video decided to go for an extremely narrow focus, which results in a lot of blurry caps, which are then hard to mock, as I've pointed out before.
Mmm, I like my idols to be like unpeeled kiwis - fuzzy.
That isn't to say that there aren't some pretty and/or interesting shots that come out of this technique.
I love this shot, for example. The problem is, this is primarily a dancing video and the focus has a very small window - no matter how high quality you rip or view this PV, most of it will still be somewhat fuzzy. I can't decide if this was simply an artistic decision, to make Crazy Moon Blah Blah Blah cool or edgy, or if it was a purposeful diversion since, after all, this is primarily a dancing video. If the former, then it doesn't quite work; if the latter, weeeeellll....
But, that's right, this is Arashi's first real dancing PV, isn't it?
Ohno: Ha?
Nino: No, no, we dance all the time.
I wouldn't call "diva handing" dancing.
Nino: Johnny says otherwise.
I've noticed.
And that pretty much leads me to the one thing I do want to say about Crazy Moon Blah Blah Blah. I'm fully aware that as a parody site, I'm supposed to stick with the funny; I figure, though, I'll get my bitchy rant out now, early, and we can go back to penis jokes for the rest of the PV.
Sho: Wait, so our only choices are "bitchy rant" or "penis jokes?"
Well. I could scrap this PVS all together and work on the fic I've been thinking about for the last couple of months instead. I think you'd like it, Sho. It's an AU fic where you join the 301st Paratrooper Brigade.
Sho: Actually bitchy rants are really good for you, I've heard. It's not healthy to bottle it all up...
My issue, in short, is that the choreography for this "dancing" video features locking...and Arashi can't really lock all that well. Not even Ohno - he does some decent popping, good "Hip Hop." But Arashi simply aren't lockers. (Just a minor side pet peeve - when you see "Rock Dance" in a translation or sub, 99% of the time that should be "Lock Dance." Since lokku and rokku are for all purposes the same word, it's a common mistranslation and an understandable one. But there's no real style of "Rock Dance" and, in fact, they do lock most of the time.)
This isn't really Arashi's fault, mind you. Locking is the Johnny's signature style and the blanket form of choreography; take a look at today's Jrs when they dance back-up in concerts - they're still being taught to do alphas, wrist rolls and half splits. So almost everyone in the jimusho is asked to lock, but not a lot of them do it well.
Part of the reason for this mismatch is that locking was an American 70's street dance that gained popularity with the early emergence of hip hop and rap. It requires a certain style and, not to be cheesy but, a particular groove. When Arashi, and other JE members, lock, they lack the necessary feeling. To be honest, I would hazard that the people who brought locking to JE in the first place weren't lockers themselves; they probably copied it from television or learned the style in a workshop. It's kind of like learning English through watching sitcoms - yeah, you got the gist, but...
That's not to say Arashi are the worst ever, either. I mean, they've always done wrist rolls well. And this little sequence of skeeter-double down-scooby doo-point-scuba hop is impressive for their skill level. Even Sho manages a good scuba hop!
Sho: Thank you! ...I think.
The choreography to Crazy Moon Blah Blah Blah is quite good, especially the way it follows the change in vocal leads throughout the song; it's just that the choreography isn't good for Arashi. If you don't see what I'm talking about, then you might want to hop on YouTube and look up modern lockers Hilty & Bosch or some of the locking originators like Skeeter Rabbit or Scooby Doo Foster. There is a world of difference.
If your response is, "Hey, Tey, that's not fair. Those guys are professionals and Arashi are just idols trying to do their best." Well, that's my point. It's not fair to ask Johnny boys to all do a certain style of choreography, whether they're capable of it or not. If you really want to showcase Arashi as dancers, you choreograph to their strengths. People who know what locking is supposed to look like don't look at Crazy Moon and say, "Wow, these guys are amazing dancers!"
Of course, you may think, "Fuck you, I like the dancing!" And that's fine.
Ohno: Fuck you, I like the dancing!
All I'm saying is, if you ever get into a fight with Kpop fans, don't take Crazy Moon Blah Blah Blah in as your ammunition.
Ohno: Ohhh, yeah, that would not be pretty...
Nino: I'm sorry, are you STILL TALKING?
Moving on. It's just, in summation, there's a reason the video is blurry and edited with a lot of quick, moving cuts instead of long, single shots. Again, may be for a "cool" effect, but I think that's secondary; the truth is that the dancing in Crazy Moon Blah Blah Blah all together really isn't that good. And since this video was mostly "dancing," dancing is pretty much all I have to talk about.
Well. There is that other thing. I mean.
Thank goodness for all the velociraptors in the background, right? The whole video would have been a piece of crap without them!
MatsuJun: ...there...were...no velociraptors in this PV.
MatsuJun: Were there? Because I didn't bring my running shoes.
Aiba: Hang on, hang on. I think you're being a little too harsh - I liked Crazy Moon Blah Blah Blah. I think it was a good PV.
Nino: You do know that the real title of the song is not "Crazy Moon Blah Blah Blah," right?
Aiba: ..................................oh.
Nino: Let me guess. You call it Crazy Moon Blah Blah Blah because you can't be bothered to learn the rest of the title?
No, I call it Crazy Moon Blah Blah Blah because I can't be bothered to type out the entire title. It's kind of a pain to have to type out
"Crazy Moon ~ Kimi wa Muteki*<3*@--$--><((('>~=^.,.^=<(^3^)/butterflysprinklecupcakemuffin ~" all the time.
Aiba: That is a bit of a mouthful.
Ohno: ...how do you pronounce "*<3*@--$--><((('>~=^.,.^=<(^3^)/" anyway?
Sho: Aiba's right though. There are lots of things to look for in Crazy Moon and it is a good PV, if you'll allow us to illustrate.
Shoot.
Sho: Alright. Then sit back and relax and let us show you what Arashi can really do.
Ohno: Just like we practiced, guys. Ready? 5, 6, 7, 8-
Ohno: And- oh we do the slide first??
Ohno: Shiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Nino: Just keep going, Oh-chan. We can do it.
Ohno: You're right! Let's do it! Everyone...
Ohno: Zombie Formation!
MatsuJun: Rowr!
Ohno: Don't over do it...just
Ohno: ...relax. Ease into it. Loosen up and shake it out, guys. And now...
Ohno: Feel the music!!
Arashi: Yeah!
Arashi: YEAH!
Nino: OH YEAH!
Ohno: uh...okay. I think that's enough "feeling the music" for today.
Nino: It's enough when I tell you it's enough!
Sho: Satoshi-kuuuuun! I pulled something "feeling the music"...
Ohno: . . .
Aiba: Am...am I supposed to be "feeling it" this hard?
Ohno: *crying*
MatsuJun: Miss Crazy yudan nai~ what's up baby
MatsuJun: *high pitched* owanNAAAAAAIIIIIIIII~
Ohno: Okay, that's it.
Ohno: I'm invoking the emergency Ohno Christ Superpowers, puppeteer division.
Ohno: That's right, just go back to following my lead...
Ohno: Let's make it to the bridge...
Ohno: And ease back into the choreography.
MatsuJun: Omigawd, look, a camera!
CRAP! He's spotted the camera! Evasive maneuvers, everyone, or we'll never get out of this PVS alive!
Look, Jun! Someone dropped an unspent $500 gift card to a trendy Roppongi Hills t-shirt boutique!
MatsuJun: Reaaaaally?
MatsuJun: Ooooh and it doesn't have an expiration date!
Aiba: See? You were too harsh on our dancing. We're actually good and everything's going great an-
Aiba: *SMACK* ITAI!!!
MatsuJun: He always does that.
Ohno: Aiba has trouble doing the wrist rolls...
Sho: You see, he smacks himself in the face everytime.
MatsuJun: But they are kind of tricky.
Ohno: We've all fumbled them before.
Sho: I accidentally wrist rolled my balls one time.
Aiba: My point still stands. Don't you feel bad for saying our dancing wasn't all that great, now?
Honestly? No. I mean, this is sort of classic Arashi.
Less than half of you are facing the same direction; Aiba, you've jumped the gun; for some inexplicable reason Jun's left hand is glued to his pants for the entire video; and Sho...I'm not sure he knows which planet he's on at the moment. Speaking of Sho...
It'd be wrong of me to do a PVS without giving special time to this moment in the video where they decide to ignore most of the choreography and go in tighter on Sho's ass as he flops about. (I won't comment on the actual sequence itself here, as it was poorly shot for the PV and is best viewed in one of the live performances.)
Sho: ...may I have a minute to myself, please?
Sho: ...*sigh of relief*...I'm glad I decided to wear a belt that morning after all...and underwear...
There's also this bit where they decide to film things from underneath a glass platform as Arashi dances above. I think it's in the same vein as the rest of the video - a "cool" thought, but not all that great in practice for the most part. Not that it doesn't make for some interesting shots, though.
Especially when Aiba does a cartwheel during this sequence. I think it's the best part of the video. Sadly, for every Aiba cartwheel, we also get...
...eeeee.
SAKURAI, CLOSE YOUR LEGS.
Sho: But Gabrielle and I were talking and we thought it'd make a great publicity still and-
CLOSE THEM. NOW.
Sho: yes ma'am.
MatsuJun: Hey, where's my crotch shot from that sequence? I talked to my hand just like Sho did.
......so Aiba's cartwheel is really kind of awesome. And-
Aiba: Here's your crotch shot - jajajajyan!
Yeah, okay, thanks for that, Aiba.
Aiba: It's sexy.
No, it really isn't.
Aiba: I SAID IT WAS SEXY.
Holy Melba Toast on a Pelican, boys. What the hell is going on with Aiba? He's been really uneven and...unAiba this entire PV! I've never heard him speak like this before!
Nino: Oh, I think I know what's going on.
Nino: Don't worry. We'll take care of this and he'll be back to regular Aiba soon.
Nino: Come on, Oh-chan.
Ohno: This will just take a minute...
Hey, hey wait. Just what exactly are you guys planning on doing here? What will just take a minute? Guys? Hello? GUYS?
MatsuJun: Ohhhhh, I get it now. He's acting strange like this because he just had a lead role in the My Girl drama.
MatsuJun: I was like Aiba, once. Forcefully telling people I was sexy - right after Gokusen. It...I was just a kid. I let it go to my head. What they did to me was...but it was necessary...
Sho: I remember what happened to me right after Kisarazu Cat's Eye...
Nino: I don't want to hear it! None of you had it like I did after Amagi Goe - I was 14! 14!!
Ohno: I still have nightmares about the months after Maou!
I don't understand - what? What happened? What did they do to you?
Ohno: What happens to every Johnny's idol after they get their first big lead in a well known drama and start to gain a little bit of confidence back...
Aiba: NOOO! MY TEDDY BEAR! GIVE IT BACK!
Nino: And if you don't stop talking about Director-san this and Director-san that, we're going to take your stuffed bunny too!
A...I...huh. What? This is...this is not how I expected Crazy Moon Blah Blah Blah to end...
Aiba: We like to keep our fans guessing.
Ohno: Just dancing all the time is kind of boring, after all.
True that. And thus, Crazy Moon Blah Blah Blah comes to an end! Here:
Have an appropriately weird screen cap that perfectly sums up my feelings on the matter.
Now you can scurry off to the nearest streaming site to pull up Crazy Moon and decide for yourself...although, I highly suggest pulling up one of the tv performances instead (more velociraptors in the tv studios). Or! Be crazy! Like Crazy Moon itself! Instead of pulling up Crazy Moon, maybe go watch Lucky Man again! BWAHAHAHAHA, IT'S CRAZY!
MWA!
**Thank you to my lovely Da for giving me the velociraptor joke. True friends mock things for you.**