~ This one's dedicated to Jools, because she's been asking for it forever ~
Come, children. Gather 'round. And I will tell you about the day Ohno Satoshi single-handedly saved the entire world...
Hey there, Oh-chan, what's the matter?
Ohno: Oh, nothing.
Doesn't look like nothing to me.
Looks like a blow job.
Hey, don't blame the messenger! Seriously, what's wrong?
Ohno: I was just thinking...you don't pick on me very often.
Ohno: It's always, oh Fabby, you're so fabulous!
Ohno: Oh Nino, you're so evil!
Ohno: Aiba Masaki is always gorgeous!
Ohno: Oh Sho, what an enormous failboat you have!
I don't think I've ever said that last one-
Ohno: And it even comes with its own sail!
Back to the point, please.
Ohno: But what about me?
Oh...sorry about that, Oh-chan. Honestly, I don't pick on you as much as the others because there's less to mock. When people introduce their non-crack loving friends to Arashi, they usually go, "Wait, let me show you Top Secret so you don't think they're all terrible at singing and dancing..."
Ohno: Oh come on, you can do it!
No, seriously. You're the only member who hits all points of the idol trifecta - sing, dance, act. You legitimize Arashi, I can't strip that from you. There's really nothing I can mock.
Ohno: Now that's just quitter talk.
Ohno: There are lots of things you can pick on.
Ohno: First!
Ohno: I can't...um...well, I don't...hmm...
Ohno: Well then, second!
Ohno: ...um...
Ohno: Oh okay, I know. Eleventh!
Ohno: ......what comes after eleven?
Well, you can't count, I'll give you that...
Ohno: See, there you go!
...okay, I guess you're right. I can do this! You can't count and...and your butt is an infinitely molestable source of entertainment for idoly boys everywhere!
Ohno: Now you're getting it!
And let's not forget, you are a Burnt Panda.
Ohno: Yep, there's that too. Well, I think you've got the hang of-
You're the least Leader-esque Leader ever. When Arashi vote on something, they just tell you what they decided afterward!
Ohno: Ooookay, well, you've done a good job, so you can probably stop n-
If the sky fell, I bet your first thought would be whether or not sky is really necessary to fish.
Ohno: Okay good job that's enough. THANK YOU.
But all of that aside, you're right, Oh-chan! You don't get featured on PVS nearly enough. Even though you're singing all the songs, you get less screen time than MatsuJun. By golly, you deserve your own solo PV!
Ohno: I don't think that's really necess-
BAM!
Ohno: ...what just happened?
Welcome to your very own solo PV, Oh-chan!
Ohno: You don't listen very well, do you?
And the solo PV in question is Kumori nochi, Kaisei, the 32nd PV in Arashi's...uh...PV...collection. Okay, so I suppose technically it's not an "Arashi" PV at all, especially as the song is credited to Yano Kenta (starring Ohno Satoshi). But I think it should count because the song and PV were released on Arashi's "Believe" single. Had it been its own separate entity, including a couple of B-sides by just Ohno himself - well, even then I would have skewered it. It might have been included as just a bonus, but that's all rather besides the point since it was released under "Arashi." Therefore-
Now, the astute reader will go, "Wait. Yano Kenta? There is no K in Ohno Satoshi, I think." And you're right! You see, Yano Kenta is the name of the character Ohno played in his Jdrama, Uta no Oniisan, for which Kumori nochi, Kaisei was the theme song. Well, more than the theme song, even; the song is a minor plot device used in the series and it's Yano Kenta who comes up with the lyrics. Hence the strange credit.
Can I just take a moment now to discuss Uta no Oniisan? When people talk about Ohno's ability as an actor, they often cite, rightfully, Maou or even his stage work. UtaNii, as I like to call it, should be brought up just as often; though it was comedy, it showcased Ohno's full range as a comedic actor. Maybe it should be brought up more than that since comedy, more so successful comedy that makes you forget that the actor is acting at all, is quite hard. But it's no mystery - I loved UtaNii. It was such a good series.
Ohno: It was a great series!
The leads did such a good job.
Ohno: The leads were fantastic!
It would almost be my favorite Jdrama of all time if it weren't for the fact that I have to fast forward half of it. That's probably why I love it so much - all I see are the entertaining exploits of Kenta, Mamoru and Ulala. Anytime anyone even thinks of saying the word "Giselle," BAM! Fast forward button! Sometimes, when I'm speeding through those parts, I even have to take Ohno's name in vain; it's that boring.
Ohno: I don't think this is really the place to share your personal opinions, is it?
Probably so. On with the solo PV!
Ohno: I've never been alone in a PV before. What do I do?
Well, what's something you've always wanted to do but couldn't because you had to accommodate four other people?
Ohno: Well, now that you mention it...
Ohno: Tada!
...pose like Jesus? But...you do that all the time.
Ohno: No, not pose like Je-
Walk on a treadmill?
Ohno: No, I mean-
Present your genitalia in public?
Do your best impression of a bulldog?
Look, Oh-chan, there's a fishing hole behind you!
Ohno: Really?
Ahem. So, honestly. What is it that you'd like to do in your solo PV?
Ohno: I love fishing.
That's great, Ohno. But I just said that to distract you so you wouldn't get mad at me. Now, you were trying to tell me...
Ohno: Well I was thinking...that's really weird, a fishing hole in the middle of a city?
*sigh*
Ohno: Unless...they've got a park with a pre-stocked pool!
OHNO!
Ohno: What would I like to do in my own PV?
Ohno: Dance! Like...real choreography!
And dance Ohno does. And so, at this point, I'd like to say that this PV is a really good reflection of its tie-in drama.
In that, Kumori nochi, Kaisei is almost my favorite video.
Ohno: What do you mean "almost?"
Well, in a way, this PV perfectly matches the series in terms of themes: the struggle of that age when you're no longer a kid but not quite an adult, what it means to become and be an adult, what it's like trying to find your place in the world and how to take agency in your life when everything is out of your control.
There's some great imagery to reinforce these concepts. Sure, this is some random dude turning a wheel to change the weather - but the weather's out of your hands, literally. How do you handle that? The PV and the drama say by remembering that a different wind will blow tomorrow.
Ohno: Go on...
I'm just saying, it's no coincidence that Ohno finds himself in a sort of board meeting where he's being shouted at by adults with megaphones. Simple, yet effective.
And I made fun of the treadmill earlier, but what is that but a symbol for running in place. Ohno puts forth the effort but never gets anywhere. Oh, if that isn't post-adolescence in a perfect sports-equipment metaphor...
Ohno: I knew the treadmill was a good idea!
Even the wardrobe is smart. Ohno's clothes continually switch between younger, more playful styles to business suit dress. The younger style is restricted to very simple elements, either in white or black, and the suit itself lacks a traditional jacket; the youthful look isn't entirely childish and the adult look isn't entirely humorless. None of the clothes really belong here or there and they transition well. BAM! Post-adolescence! Symbolism perfect in message for a drama like UtaNii.
Ohno: So...why don't you like this PV, again?
Well, the message of UtaNii isn't just "life sucks," it's "life sucks, deal with it." And while the PV does act upon the idea of seizing your own happiness...
For such a bright and happy message, song and drama - the proverbial silver lining of a cloud - this PV sure is dingy and dark as hell.
Ohno: ...I hadn't noticed...
So I like this PV very much. But I never, ever want to watch it. I guess in a way by making everything so bleak, the shining attitude sparkles in contrast. However, it makes the wardrobe problematic as well. Honestly, Burnt Panda in black blends in with his surroundings. It's drab and boring to watch for five minutes.
Ohno: HEY.
Ohno: Burnt Panda in black is drab and boring, huh?
Ohno: I'll just leave then and you can go find some other sucker to put up with this.
Okay. Hey, you.
Ohno: Hm?
My last Burnt Panda just ditched his own PV. You any good at singing and dancing?
Ohno: Boss at it.
Good. I need you to take over and star in this video by yourself.
Ohno: No problem.
If this goes over well, I may ask you to join a group of four guys who will constantly touch your butt.
Ohno: I just remembered, I'm already starring in another PV at the moment and-
You'll also have to put up with making a lot of money, being on tv, and getting paid to talk about how much you love to fish.
Ohno: Did I mention that my butt also makes a nice mattress?
We have a
Ohno: Is that my new codename? Because I was kind of hoping for something like Eagle, or something to do with fish.
Ohno: Like Sturgeon. Can I be the Flying Sturgeon?
Panda, Squid, Sturgeon - I don't know that you can really sustain that many animal nicknames, Oh-chan.
Hey, PV. Want to know an even better way than changing clothes to symbolize optimism in the time of depression and at the same time further tie into a drama about a singing idol for preschoolers? KIDS.
Bam. (Please, let none of their mothers ever google and wonder why their child is featured on a website that has copious instances of the English word, "blowjob.")
So, congratulations, Ohno Satoshi. You have driven away the bleak future and brought hope into the lives of children everywhere! Drab black and washed out white tones aside, well done!
Ohno: You really mean that?
I really mean that. Now, I know you must be tired from shooting your first solo PV, but I do have to ask you for one more thing.
Ohno: Oh? What could that be?
I know technically this is not an "Arashi" PV...
Ohno: But...I just saved all of the world's children from depression...
I know, but...
Ohno: ...really? In my own PV?
Ohno: I really have to? In my own PV???
Come on, Oh-chan. This is for the children too.
Ladies and Gentlemen...
I am proud to announce...
Ohno Satoshi's buttocks are now open to the public for fondling. Be the first to touch the Savior of All the World's Children's happy booty!
* A Few Minutes Later *
Ohno: I didn't even know half of those people!
Don't worry. We were just charging half-price for the grand opening. It should slow down in a couple of days.
Ohno: Can I point out that you said I saved the entire world at the beginning and...cheering up children and letting people touch my ass for money is not exactly what I'd call "saving the entire world?"
But children are our most precious resource. Save the children, save the world.
Also, I've told people that your butt has healing properties. So turn back around and stick it out for the nice people, Oh-chan.
And thus, Kumori nochi, Kaisei ends as Ohno treadmills back into the dingy sunset.
And so, you too can feel Ohno's butt for a limited time without charge! Just fire up your favorite streaming site and go, go, go! If you're lucky, you might find the series version of the song, with bonus Mamoru and Ulala. Hands off of her butt, folks; but I've been told that Maruyama Ryuhei's ass can cure even death. So slap away!
Come now, did you think I would honestly do Uta no Oniisan's theme PV without mentioning my boy Maru even once? Tsk tsk. You're lucky the entire PV wasn't in Marus.
"Maru Maru Maru, Ohno?"
"Oh, nothing."
"Maru. Maru Maru Maru. Maruuuu."
"..."
"Maru Maru Maru."
Damn lucky.
MWA!